Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?? A famous line from a song by The Clash (cue the fun music) and the question I found myself asking over and over again as my daughter with food allergies got older.  Parties, when she was little, were hard for all the normal reasons when you have food allergies (cakes full of allergens, hosts who may not be familiar with food allergy management, party favor bags full of unsafe candy…the list goes on), but there was one component that was easier when she was little…the moms stayed.  I was there to monitor what was going on, to help her navigate the food table, and get her that safe cupcake at just the right moment.  I blended right in with the gaggle of moms who were there happily chatting and eating delicious looking bakery cake.  

But, as she got older, fewer and fewer moms hung around for the parties until one day I realized I was the only crazy food allergy mom left hanging out at parties.  I wasn’t ready to turn her loose in food filled parties, but at some point we talked and she told me that she wanted me to go.  She wanted to be there with her friends- without her mom, like her other friends.

It has been one of the many transitions we have made on this food allergy journey.  But, one that we needed to make because, after all, my job is to equip her to manage her own allergies some day and attending parties on her own is a part of that process.  That said, it took a lot for me to drop her off at that first party.  And truth be told, the first few parties I “dropped” her off at I just sat outside in my car counting the minutes until I had her back in the car.

I still take steps to keep her safe including talking with the party host in advance about the menu and what foods she will be able to eat or not eat, and then talking with my daughter about them.  We also always make sure that the host is trained on how to administer her Auvi-q. I still walk her into parties and together we look at the food and talk specifically about what she can and cannot have…and of course her individual cupcake carrier is still getting some miles on it as we transport her safe cupcake to parties.  Unfortunately, there have been a few times that we made the difficult decision to not go to a party because it was just not going to be a safe situation, but these days I generally join the moms who run to Target and the grocery store during the party. 

This was before she flew solo at parties, but we are always prepared for parties with a safe cupcake and snacks! 

One of the most important conversations I have had with her about parties, besides what to do if she is not feeling well at a party, has been about how we think about parties. Our mantra has always been “At parties we focus on family, fun and friends, not food”. We talk about how we can enjoy the party even if we can’t enjoy all of the food.  I don’t know for certain, but I think this has helped her to think about parties in the context of people and activities rather than the food that often takes center stage at parties.

Parties can be stressful, but they are a huge part of being a kid.  Finding the right approach for your family will be important….should you stay or should you go?  That is up to you and each party will be different- sometimes you will stay, sometime you will go…but at the end of the day hopefully you will find a way to focus on family, friends and fun, not the food and Thrive On! 

For more tips on managing parties with food allergies check out the blog post I wrote for FAACT, Celebrating Safely.

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Need help living your best life with food allergies?  I can help you Thrive On! 
Learn more about me and my company, Thrive On Consulting, which provides food allergy coaching and training.  You can also follow me on Facebook for tips to Thrive On with food allergies.

A Food Allergy Friend in Need

Meal Train.  If you had said those words to me 10 years ago, before kids and life in the suburbs, I am pretty sure I would have told you it was a fancy dinner excursion on a train.  But now, knee deep in motherhood and minivan ownership, I know a meal train is what you do when your friends need you.  A meal for a friend who just had a baby, a meal for a friend who had surgery, a meal for a grieving friend.  I have been a part of the meal train numerous times, gladly preparing meals for friends in need.

But what about a food allergy friend in need?  When I broke my foot a handful of years ago, a friend suggested setting up a meal train for us.  While I loved the idea of having the extra help, the sheer thought of food coming into my house that I had not made was more anxiety producing than having to deal with two toddlers on crutches.

For a food allergy family, the meal train may not be the best way to help.  So many chances for unsafe ingredients or cross contact occur when meals are prepared by others, who may not be as well versed in how to manage food allergies and prepare safe meals.  So what can you do?  Here are a few suggestions for how you can help a food allergy friend in need.

Offer to Cook at Their House
If your friend really needs help with meals, offer to prepare them at her house.  That way she can read all ingredient labels and you can use her kitchen gear, which will be safe. You can plan a meal with her to ensure you know safe ingredients to include and verify which brands are safe.  Preparing the meal at her house also gives you the added benefit of spending time with your friend while you cook!

Gift Cards
Simply providing a gift card to a grocery store, so she can buy her own safe ingredients, is a great way to help.  Many stores now offer online shopping and in-car pick up.  Get her the gift card and offer to pick up the groceries.  She may still wish to do some of the cooking, but you can help get the food to her.

Another gift card option, see if there are any restaurants that the family eats at regularly because they know they manage food allergies effectively.  Some families with food allergies eat out very rarely, so be certain to talk with your friend to ensure you get a card that they will actually use.  If you can find a restaurant that works take out can be a beautiful thing!

Non-food Ways to Help
If providing food is just not practical for food allergy reasons, offer your assistance in other ways.  Perhaps chipping in to have a cleaning service, offering to watch the children, or take care of pets.  You know your friend and you know what she might need- talk to her about the ways you can help outside of food.  And, sometimes just spending time with her is the best gift!

We would love to hear what other suggestions you have for helping a food allergy friend in need- post them in the comments below.




Learn more about Tami and her company, Thrive On Consulting, which provides food allergy coaching and training.  You can also follow her on Facebook for tips to Thrive On with food allergies.

Food Allergy Anxiety and School: Tips to Thrive On

The new school year is upon us and for families with food allergies this can be an especially stressful time as we work to once again educate teachers, administrators and school staff about how to keep our children safe.  For me personally, this is one of the worst times of the year as I worry about how things will be managed. I can feel my anxiety rise as we get closer to the start of school.  I try to actively manage my anxiety so that my daughter enters school excited and feeling safe, but this is no easy task!

We are still early in our school years, but I know that managing food allergy anxiety- at this time of year and throughout the year- will be critical for our family to Thrive On with food allergies. 

To get some answers on managing food allergy anxiety I interviewed Dr. Jeanne Herzog of Summit Psychology Clinic.  Dr. Herzog is one of only a few psychologists nationwide who specializes in food allergy anxiety management.  She has worked with numerous patients with food allergies, presented on food allergy anxiety at the national level and was a featured webinar presenter on this topic for FARE.   She will also be speaking at the FARE Teen Summit later this year.

Dr. Herzog shares some wonderful insight into how to recognize and manage food allergy related anxiety for both parents and children, as well we strategies to discuss with your school to assist in managing anxiety.  I hope that you will learn as much as I did from Dr. Herzog!

What are signs that your child might be experiencing food allergy related anxiety at school?

Kids and teens with food allergy related anxiety can express it in obvious ways or in more discreet ways.

Obvious ways:

• Talking often about their worries
•  Asking often about safe foods and safety precautions
• Appearing scared or saying they're scared to go to school
• Calling home often from school with worries about their food allergies
• Crying, isolating, refusing to eat at school 

Less obvious ways:

• Increased complaints of stomach aches, headaches, other illnesses
• Excuses to isolate or choosing not to participate in school functions
• Unexplained academic or homework issues
• Peer relationships seem to change
• Moodiness, including sadness, anger, easily frustrated
• Change in eating habits, controlling behaviors

What can you do before school starts to alleviate some food allergy anxiety for your child?

If your child is attending the same school as the year before, the level of anxiety is likely to be lower, especially if the child felt safe last year.  However, even a new classroom or teacher or new classmates can increase that anxiety.  Summer is a time when a child may find comfort in being able to rely on parents to keep them safe.  It is best to, again, prepare a child to be an advocate for their own safety (age related) during school hours, when parents are not there, by rehearsing the emergency care plan and the plans provided for them at school.  It may help to meet with the new teacher in the new classroom and go over the emergency care plan and accommodations prior to school starting. 

If your child is attending a new school (moving, transitioning to middle school or high school, etc.) the change can be anxiety-provoking for both child and parent.  Parent and child should prepare together by making arrangements with the school regarding safety, the emergency care plan and any accommodations required. If there is any way to find out if any other child entering the school also has food allergies, this can reduce anxiety as there is truth to "safety in numbers." 

Kids (and parents) feel less anxious when they know that people care.  When those around them know and care about the dangers and follow rules to make the school safe, children living with food allergies feel safe, calm and more confident in their ability to keep themselves safe.  This also connects them to the school in a positive way, which contributes to a child's academic achievement and self-esteem. 

Any preparation that widens the circle of people in your child's life who care will be helpful in reducing anxiety.  

Is there anything in particular you should communicate to school staff regarding food allergy anxiety so they can assist in managing it throughout the year?

Much is communicated about physical health and safety, which is primary, but often little is talked about regarding how the food allergy makes a child "feel" emotionally, especially in terms of keeping safe at school.  I think administrators and teachers (as well as parents of kids without food allergies) are starting to do a good job in some schools to show that they take food allergy safety seriously and that they care.  But, many are unaware of how anxiety plays a part in the life of a child with food allergies (and the parents). 

If your child tends to be anxious about food allergies, it's best to share this with appropriate school staff so that they can watch for signs and together you can come up with strategies that can help your child.  School staff should be taught that each child with food allergies utilizes a small amount of anxiety in order to be diligent and cautious.  And, it is common for some children to become even more anxious when they cannot control the environment with diligence - for instance when others around them are eating food containing their allergen.  Children also commonly feel anxiety about how living with a food allergy affects their social world.  Sometimes they worry about being "left out." 

As a parent, what strategies can be employed to help manage our own anxiety around sending our child to school with a food allergy?

Managing anxiety so that parents and children continue to be diligent and cautious, but still allow themselves to enjoy life and relax, is crucial.  A parent who does a good job of managing anxiety in themselves sets a good example for the child.  There are many ways to manage anxiety.

Having a plan to manage anxiety is critical.  This should include accepting the challenge bravely and proactively working to educate your child and those who care for your child.  However, it is also critical to maintain balance and find identity outside of your life with food allergies.  It is also important to adopt strategies to allow you to calm your mind and your body when anxiety occurs.  Some examples include:

• Think about what you CAN do, instead of what you CAN'T do.
• Since anxiety is about fear of loss of control, rehearse the things over which you DO have control.
• Rehearse the things that are consistent and predictable in your environment.
• Remind yourself that every day we are working on normalizing an environment for those with food allergies.
• Name the people who "understand" and care about your allergy.
• Calm your body using: gentle touch, relaxation exercises, belly breathing (sit or lie comfortably, relax your shoulders and chest, inhale to the bottom of your lungs, which causes your diaphragm to push your belly out, exhale while pulling your belly back in, breathe slowly for 1-3 minutes while focusing  on each breath sound.)
• Get your body moving with a walk, activities, play and sports.
• Play, play, play!
• Ask for a hug from someone you trust.

When should you seek professional help for food allergy anxiety?

When your anxiety or your child's anxiety seems to be affecting physical health or is seriously interfering with functioning or happiness please seek professional help.  One can also seek the help of a professional before anxiety increases so that a child or parent can get coaching on how to manage emotions and situations as they arise. 

When you and your child have a relationship with a therapist who understands the possible anxiety and stressors of living with food allergies, that therapist can become a great resource for managing the emotions related to the various transitions in a child's life - school, friends, dating, adulthood, etc. 

Click here to learn more about Dr. Herzog.

Click here to view the FARE webinar featuring Dr. Herzog for more great information on managing food allergy anxiety.

If you find this post helpful learn more about Tami and her company, Thrive On Consulting, which helps families and individuals managing food allergies, and follow her on Facebook and Twitter

Three Thriving On- Three Ages and Three Views on Living with Food Allergies

We started our food allergy journey six years ago when our daughter was diagnosed with multiple life-threatening allergies.  In that time, we have learned how to stay safe, developed strategies for living in our new normal, had good days, had bad days, realized the positive side of food allergies in the form of healthier eating and struggled as our bubble of control continues to shrink as she has more and more opportunities to be on her own and away from the allergen free home we have created.  I often wonder what it will be like as she gets older- what does and will she think about her allergies?  What will her challenges and successes be as she navigates life with food allergies?  What will she worry about when it comes to her food allergies? What path will her food allergy journey take her down. So, I decided to interview a few people at different stages of life with food allergies about their journey. 

I asked the same questions of three people.  My daughter, who is seven.  She is allergic to all nuts, sesame, chickpea and sunflower.  Cameron, an active high school student, who is living with allergies to peanuts, tree nuts and legumes since he was three.  He was also allergic to chocolate but has recently outgrown this allergy (yay!).  Sarah, a twenty nine year old working adult, who was diagnosed with fish and shellfish allergies when she was in her mid-twenties. 

It was interesting to see what strikes each person as important and meaningful in their own food allergy journey.  We all forge our own paths and make our own decisions about what is right and how to stay safe, but I hope you will enjoy reading this look at food allergies across three different ages and stages of life.  And, a special thanks to my daughter, Cameron and Sarah for sharing their stories and how they thrive on with food allergies!

  

What are two things you wish that people without food allergies
understood about food allergies?

• My Daughter: That you should always carry an EpiPen® if you are near a person with a food allergy.  There should be an allergy free table at every school to keep everyone safe.

• Cameron: The first would be that allergens can be very well hidden inside of food. Just because the allergens aren't obvious, such as nuts being sprinkled on food, doesn't mean they aren't there. I've found nuts in packaged shredded cheese, pasta sauce, and many bread products. You can never really tell what's in a food item until you read the label, which is a valuable skill you have to master for living with food allergies. The second thing that should be understood by those without food allergies is understanding why a person with food allergies may be uncomfortable eating your food. We don't mean to be rude when we turn down offered food. On the other side, people with food allergies need to communicate their concerns well, to ensure safety and explain why we can't eat certain things.

• Sarah: I wish people without food allergies understood that having food allergies is not a choice or a trend, that we're not making it up or exaggerating how serious it is.

 What is the most challenging thing about having food allergies?

• My Daughter: To have ask about food before grabbing it in a public place.

• Cameron:  The most challenging part of having a food allergy is its way of acting as a social barrier. When I was in grade school I was subject to bullying because my parents chose to have me sit at a designated peanut free table, which alienated me from the rest of my class. I also wore my EpiPen® on my belt a big bulky flashlight holster. While the younger kids were in awe at what they perceived to be a light saber, some of the kids in my own class gave me endless torment for my differences. As I grew older, I lost my fear of my food allergies, and instead developed a wary respect for them. This development came through becoming comfortable with my ability to control what I eat and successfully avoiding my allergens for so long. This transition took place around eighth grade, when I stopped eating at the peanut free table at lunch. I started sitting with my friends, who understood my food allergies and tried to sit away from me if they ate food that I couldn't eat. Currently, my food allergies don't set me apart socially any more, but if something comes up that could lead to exclusion, I've gotten very good at explaining what was going on to foster understanding. One particular situation where food allergies have been difficult in high school is dating. It's pretty awkward to try to explain why you can't kiss someone because you don't know what they have eaten recently. But as with all of my other food allergy related obstacles, I've been able overcome this issue through good communication.

• Sarah: The most challenging thing about having food allergies is the lack of freedom to eat whatever and wherever I want. There is a lot of planning involved: reading labels, calling companies to ask questions about their ingredients and policies, checking online allergen information if it's available, etc. If my go-to safe foods become unsafe for me or if they're out of stock, it can be a real setback and letdown.

What is the best thing about having food allergies?  

• My Daughter: I get to sit at the peanut free table.  I like that I get to sit next to the hallway window and watch people walk by.

• Cameron: I've been able to grow as a communicator because of my food allergies. People with food allergies have to be able to voice their concerns for their safety, and learn to talk to people. My experience with communicating about food allergies has transferred itself into strong public speaking skills, which have been very helpful. I also was able to go to Washington D.C. to lobby for the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Management Act. This gave me the opportunity to sit down with Senators, the Speaker of the House, and Representatives to discuss food allergies and how we can pass legislation to make life with food allergies safer. That was one of the most profound experiences I've had in my life, but it wouldn't have been possible if I didn't have food allergies.

• Sarah: The best thing about having food allergies is that I make healthier choices when I eat. I can't rely on processed convenience foods, so I mostly cook homemade meals. Bonus: I've learned to love cooking and get creative in the kitchen!

 What have people done (or not done) related to your
food allergies that has impacted you?

• My Daughter: My mom makes treats for birthday parties that I go to so I have a dessert if I can’t have the dessert there.

• Cameron: Cameron chose not to answer this question.

• Sarah: My husband hasn't eaten seafood since I became allergic to it. I didn't ask him to avoid it, but the solidarity means a lot to me and makes me feel less alone when it comes to food. My mom has spent hours cooking allergen-friendly meals for me, and my dad has gone out of his way to find the specific foods that I use. I also have a friend who never complains about eating at the same restaurant when we go out. I could tell you dozens of other ways that people have supported me with my food allergies, and I'm grateful for every single one. They make the burden of having food allergies easier to bear.

 

 What do you worry about most as it relates to your food allergies?

• My Daughter: I worry about not knowing when I might have a reaction.

• Cameron: I worry about improper labeling and poor transparency within restaurants. While labeling is required by law, contamination and recalls are fairly common and worrisome. Restaurants can assure you that something will be safe, but you can never really know what goes on in the kitchen when your food is being prepared. But with all things in life, there is an element of risk, and you have to learn how to balance risk management with living you life.

• Sarah: I worry that foods I eat will be mislabeled and cause me to have a reaction via cross-contact.

 Do you carry your epinephrine with you at all times? 
Why or why not?

• My Daughter: I don’t carry it, but my mom or teacher carries it for me.  They do it so  I can carry other things and so in case I have a reaction my medicine is right there.

• Cameron: Yes I do. It's the only way to reverse an anaphylactic reaction. To not carry one with my severity of food allergies would simply be foolhardy.

• Sarah: I carry my epinephrine with me at all times because you never know when you might be exposed to your food allergens or develop new ones. Better safe than sorry!

If someone you knew were to be diagnosed with food allergies what
advice would you share with them? 

• My Daughter: Read labels, ask before eating, and stay away from things that might have your allergens in them.

• Cameron: I would tell them to research their condition, and practice how to communicate your needs and concerns in restaurants. Learning what food to avoid and how to read food labels is also extremely important. Also, they need to understand that they shouldn't try to put themselves in a bubble. They have to learn how to have a full life without being overly burdened by their allergies.

• Sarah: If someone I knew were to be diagnosed with food allergies, this would be my advice: Research and learn everything you can about food allergies, especially yours. Sign up for newsletters and subscribe to magazines about food allergies. Follow people, companies, and organizations in the food allergy community online. Join a support group for people who have food allergies or who care for someone with food allergies. Get involved in the food allergy community in other ways, like the FARE Walk. Always carry your epinephrine with you. Never compromise when it comes to your food allergies! Right after I developed my food allergies, the best advice I got came from a message board, and I've followed it ever since: "If I don't know, I don't eat it."

I love all of their advice and hope you will share it with others too!  Thrive On!

If you find this post helpful learn more about Tami and her company, Thrive On Consulting, which helps families and individuals dealing with food allergies, and follow her on Facebook