Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?? A famous line from a song by The Clash (cue the fun music) and the question I found myself asking over and over again as my daughter with food allergies got older.  Parties, when she was little, were hard for all the normal reasons when you have food allergies (cakes full of allergens, hosts who may not be familiar with food allergy management, party favor bags full of unsafe candy…the list goes on), but there was one component that was easier when she was little…the moms stayed.  I was there to monitor what was going on, to help her navigate the food table, and get her that safe cupcake at just the right moment.  I blended right in with the gaggle of moms who were there happily chatting and eating delicious looking bakery cake.  

But, as she got older, fewer and fewer moms hung around for the parties until one day I realized I was the only crazy food allergy mom left hanging out at parties.  I wasn’t ready to turn her loose in food filled parties, but at some point we talked and she told me that she wanted me to go.  She wanted to be there with her friends- without her mom, like her other friends.

It has been one of the many transitions we have made on this food allergy journey.  But, one that we needed to make because, after all, my job is to equip her to manage her own allergies some day and attending parties on her own is a part of that process.  That said, it took a lot for me to drop her off at that first party.  And truth be told, the first few parties I “dropped” her off at I just sat outside in my car counting the minutes until I had her back in the car.

I still take steps to keep her safe including talking with the party host in advance about the menu and what foods she will be able to eat or not eat, and then talking with my daughter about them.  We also always make sure that the host is trained on how to administer her Auvi-q. I still walk her into parties and together we look at the food and talk specifically about what she can and cannot have…and of course her individual cupcake carrier is still getting some miles on it as we transport her safe cupcake to parties.  Unfortunately, there have been a few times that we made the difficult decision to not go to a party because it was just not going to be a safe situation, but these days I generally join the moms who run to Target and the grocery store during the party. 

This was before she flew solo at parties, but we are always prepared for parties with a safe cupcake and snacks! 

One of the most important conversations I have had with her about parties, besides what to do if she is not feeling well at a party, has been about how we think about parties. Our mantra has always been “At parties we focus on family, fun and friends, not food”. We talk about how we can enjoy the party even if we can’t enjoy all of the food.  I don’t know for certain, but I think this has helped her to think about parties in the context of people and activities rather than the food that often takes center stage at parties.

Parties can be stressful, but they are a huge part of being a kid.  Finding the right approach for your family will be important….should you stay or should you go?  That is up to you and each party will be different- sometimes you will stay, sometime you will go…but at the end of the day hopefully you will find a way to focus on family, friends and fun, not the food and Thrive On! 

For more tips on managing parties with food allergies check out the blog post I wrote for FAACT, Celebrating Safely.

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